Jupiter stationed direct at 13˚21′ Scorpio on 10 July 2018
Sabian Symbol | Attachment: Telephone Linemen At Work
Higher intelligence is responsible for lower.
This is an end-of-day retrospective look at the day’s planetary influence on my behavior.
At the moment of station, the Moon was at 14˚33′ Gemini exactly conjunct my natal Ascendant at 14˚29′. This Moon was inconjunct Jupiter, and therefore my Ascendant.
The planets and points involved in a quincunx don’t understand each other. Unless it’s an out-of-sign quincunx, the signs not only are of a different element, they are also of a different modality. For example, take Leo-Pisces. Leo is Fixed Fire, while Pisces is Mutable Water. It’s difficult to see common ground between the signs. Some key words: redirecting, challenging, requiring adjustments, diverting. (Café Astrology)
This explains my sudden withdrawing into myself. I answered no texts or emails today, feeling overwhelmed by everything I had to do, when really I just needed to take a deep breath and re-center myself. Instead, I fell prey to self-defeating thoughts of not being good enough.
At the time, I was organizing my photographs in order to edit them and choose a few for the professional portfolio I am making. I compiled all my photographs into one catalog, backed them up, and started editing from nearly three years back on my first trip to India. In doing so, I grew disappointed at the photos, finding the RAW format behaving strangely in the dark tones, and ultimately very disappointed at much of my compositions. Really, they were quite poor, and I started questioning my entire photographic ability and what I was even doing trying to make this into a business. I began feeling disappointed that I had not edited these right away, all out of a painful shyness that kept me from sharing my photos out of fear of rejection. I even started thinking it was perhaps good I never had shared them, as people probably would have just derisively laughed at me.
These emotions got mixed up with five different people actively reaching out to me, and I erroneously transcribed my sense of disappointment and embarrassment onto them, as if they were disappointed in me and embarrassed of me. I felt that I needed to try to edit as many of these photos as possible without distraction, so I could have something to show for all my time. While this sounds absurd now, it did not feel so at the time. I responded to no one, which arose feelings of slight panic about how to respond later.
I searched for an article to help me explain my feelings about my photography, and found one explaining that feeling this way about one’s years-old photographs is a good sign, meaning you have improved that much since then and are noticing it. In this context, I started feeling a bit better, though I was also slightly drained from the experience. I took a break to get outside and water the yard.
While I was watering the yard, it occurred to me that people are probably confused by my intermittent lack of response, possibly even misattributing it as my being intentionally avoidant because of them personally, when it is really just because of my periodic crises of confidence. This did not leave me feeling good, and I endeavored to stay neutral about my feelings, lest I get sucked back down a hole of self-defeating thoughts. I continued editing, even forgoing dinner for a snack. Before I knew it, it was past 11:00 pm. I noticed I even felt relieved when it was officially “reasonably” too late to respond, meaning that I could push off having to respond until tomorrow.
As soon as I realized I was feeling relief because of this, I asked myself, “What kind of way is that to be?”
In all reality, the people contacting me were doing so because of all good things and because they wanted to talk with me. Why, then, would I actively avoid responding to good things people have to share with me?
“Quincunxes show areas of weakness, in terms of low self-esteem, that others find easy to prey upon. The individual, by not accepting the areas of life represented by the planets in quincunx, leaves himself or herself open to being taken advantage of. Quincunxes point to an area where we may have an inferiority complex. We have difficulty integrating these energies into our personality to the point where we are not happy with either energy. Feeding one planet’s needs is a separate activity from feeding the other planet’s energies. A vague sense of guilt is often the result, and this can undermine confidence with both energies.” (Café Astrology)
Well, that summed things up rather well. I felt I had to keep editing without interruption so I could prove myself to everyone, yet the five people messaging me were not doing so because of photography, and all of them have been supportive and complimentary of my work. I wasn’t trying to prove anything for anyone else, I was trying to ice my bruised ego. Ego is such a double-edged human tool, and so easy to get fooled by it if we are not feeling 100% well.
Moon Inconjunct Jupiter: To really understand others and life itself, you need to allow others to know you. You always “land on your feet” but often so far away from where you expected or where you said you will be, that you confuse others. Practice being more reliable; then, you will understand yourself, others and life all at once. Your optimism needs focus and to be harnessed to specific projects. (Café Astrology)
This is exactly what I need to be working on. My social reliability is very poor, not out of ill intent, but because I sometimes get so flustered, or drained of confidence, that I freeze and do nothing, even as I know I should. I get stuck in neutral in an anxious quandary. It’s never occurred to me before, however, how people may be interpreting this specific behavior. Causing people to potentially feel negatively because of my lack of response is certainly not my intention, so to avoid this from now on, I need to step it up.
It was quite an intense Jupiter station, though I see the value of this lesson. Tomorrow will be a better day and my first opportunity to make things right.